Have you ever been tired of life? Fed up with this existence and all its seemingly meaningless struggle? Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people, why the good things in your life never seem to last and why you feel out of place, like you do not really belong and yet you cannot define where you belong?
If those thoughts have been yours at any point this year, then we most likely had a similar year. For a good part of the year, I was listless, broken in many ways and in many places. My spirit was tired and apathy became me. It was the unbecoming of me like I liked to put on my pm sometimes. Everything that brought joy in life was beginning to fade; God, writing, Friendship. Only family remained, only family stayed. When I was asked to write this, I kept fretting in my head, because I am a writer, I can weave my 2015 into a beautiful story, but then it would not be real. If you leave this page with anything at all, it should be with the only thing I really learnt this year. That happiness is the all in all. Ironically, my name is Oyor, and it means Happiness, so maybe in some eerie way, my parents knew what I have just learnt.
I went to sleep most nights thinking I was going to fail ‘pros’. In reality, without God I most likely would have, and I don’t think I would have had the energy to fight back, because I was tired. Apathy had become me. About two weeks to the professional exams, I was barely studying. The only reason why I bothered trying at all was my family, they made me get up from my bed and go to class, where I slept mostly.
I was really scared, because all my life, I’d never needed someone to push me to study, never needed a reason to study, it had always been a part of me. But well, I know God had other ideas, and He literally sent my elder sister to talk to me, I can’t remember all that she said, but I know those words invigorated me, and I read with my heart. One final push, and thankfully it was enough. It was a struggle few people knew or understood. It was like I was sinking and everyone thought I was fine.
I sort of lost my best friend at the beginning of the year also, I pushed her out of my life, being the crazy, listless person I was. It broke me in more ways than I care to admit even now, and last night, I still called her, because I miss her every day. But some deeds can’t be undone and some deeds must be done. P. Diddy’s Every step I take, I’ll be missing you never seemed more apt.
Then, the one that really shook my foundations; Someone very dear to me, my hero fell sick, the person had been sick for a while, but then things became worse, I went to sleep many nights thinking that I’d wake up to hear bad news. I stared at phone calls, scared to pick up, afraid of bad news. Cancer was eating my hero away, and I felt powerless. I felt angry with God, I prayed with my heart, but it was silence.
Fast forward to this day, my best friend is still sort of gone, my hero is still recovering and might need chemo, I’m struggling to find myself back in terms of studying, but I am happy. That’s the major difference, that’s all I achieved this year, Happiness. All the storms that buffeted me, even the ones I cannot name made me realise that I was sad, depressed, just existing, not living.
And so I decided to live, the decision came from me; the strength to carry it out came from God. After fighting and blaming Him, hoping and being disappointed I finally began to understand. January this year, I could never have predicted anything that happened. I could never have predicted passing pros, at one sitting if at all, I could never have predicted losing my best friend, I could never have thought my hero would live and begin to thrive once more, I could never have thought I would wake up with joy, with something to look forward to in the day.
All my problems haven’t really gone, but somehow because I have Someone did not really have before, and because I have something I did not really understand before, I can say without mincing words, in the midst of the madness that is life’s storm, I have found a calm spot to rest. I have bloomed like a flower in the midst of debris, bringing beauty to the things that surround me.
So in the end, I am grateful to the new friends I made who stood by me, and pushed me to fight, I won’t mention names but you know yourselves. Thank you for believing in me, thank you for praying for me. And to God, who taught me how to write again, after I thought I was too broken to write anymore, and who also taught me how to really pray, thanks for reaching out to me, a lowly mortal. Finally to family, who prayed and prayed for me, I love you, your prayer saw me through.
2015 is gone, and it was indeed the worst and best year of my life, I’ve learnt to have faith in God, I’ve learnt to make decisions based on what I want, not what is expected of me. I look forward to 2016 with all the beauty that comes with new things. In Seffi Atta’s words, I am certain that ‘Everything good will come’.
You can connect with Christian by visiting his blog www.writtenwhisperz.com .