Christian Brothers, The Art Of Loving Us by Adebola Deji-Kurunmi.

Photo Credit: boldsky.com

I woke up to this piece by Debola Deji-Kurunmi ( President, Deborah Initiative for Women) and it literally made my day. I remember sometime last year when I was discussing with someone and I was venting about how a lot of these ‘church boys’ really need to step up their love game. So naturally when my friend showed me this, it just felt like she took the words right out of my mouth. Anyway, here goes…

In some of my deepest and most real conversations with a number of “Christian” brothers, I am brought face to face with the grievance they have against ladies, particularly ‘Christians’. They think I could have an answer because I host ladies like myself to meetings, and outings where we share on issues ranging from weight to God, sex, emotions, make up, the future and the men of our dreams, not necessarily in that order.

Anyway, the grievance is “why do the good girls fall in love with the “bad” guys”? I am sure you’ve heard the lingo before now. They say; “after being good, caring, true, faithful and responsible, you still find many sweethearts falling into the hands of those ‘hooligans’” but hey, who said a woman is your reward for choosing a religious ideology!

Just why would a lady go ecstatic about the ‘not-too-good guy’, when ex-campus fellowship presidents and many ‘spirit’ brothers await her love? The answer is close by; really, it’s not hard to see or is it? Why won’t a woman fall in love with a man who knows the rhythm of her heart and paints the rainbow on her soul? He doesn’t treat her like a piece of conviction or an apparatus to gauge his self-control.

Sometime ago, a friend of mine shared her gruesome experience in the hands of her HOD in church. The brother had apparently ‘received’ her as his wife, so he summoned her to a two man crusade to reveal the will of God. After fireworks prayers and a lot of scripture quoting, he outlined his convictions to her and went ahead to warn against the consequences of disobedience, sighting the inappropriate example of Jonah in the belly of the fish. I thought the art of asking out had gotten spicier? If you have a strong spiritual anchor as the foundation of your choice, please keep it as a guarded secret!!! Just say what you want and why you do! Tell me why you will choose me a hundred times over and over above all the ladies in the world.

On the other hand, the ‘not-too-good guy’ takes his lady to the cinema, expends some resource and gives her a cheering treat. It’s not so much about the movie, salted popcorn or bowl of strawberry ice cream, but the atmosphere he builds around her.
With every word, touch on the shoulder, bat of the eyelid, and boyish grin he passes to her, he whispers admiration; he promises the world and simply makes a queen out of a woman. Now, don’t tell me these are not the things that count and, whether or not the promises will be kept is an entirely different matter.

How many times have we grumbled to each other during our girl times, on why we keep receiving ‘Spiritual Books’ as gifts at every weary opportunity to convince us of their love? In fact, depending on the memory of the brother involved, you might receive more than a copy of the same book! The most famous are ‘The Power and Purpose of a Woman by Myles Munroe, the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, Woman, thou art loose by T.D. Jakes, The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer and The Woman after God’s heart by Elizabeth George’. If you are privileged to date brothers from the deeper side of the divide, you will be blessed with gifts such as ‘A Man God Uses by Gbile Akanni, Woman, thou art loose by Dr. D.K. Olukoya, Mother in Israel by Pastor Folu Adeboye or The Effective Ministers’ Wife by Pastor Faith Oyedepo!!!

We ought to grow into ‘godly women of God’ but aren’t there other pretty, simple and alluring gifts that could go along to bring out the lady in a woman? I recognize you might need more crispy notes. How about White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor, Secret by Elizabeth Arden, Summer Cocktail by Givenchy? Or Sunshades by Police, Jeans skirt or gown by Wrangler, Girly Shirts by Davida, Office wears by Curtis, a nine-set Music CD pack from the old days or sunlight hours at the beach.

Why treat her like a bundle of temptation, a test you must pass as a display of your spirituality? What about a pat in the back, a squeeze in the hand, a warm, warm hug, a kiss on the forehead, a stroke on her hair? I cannot get over my amusement at preferred postures of prospective ‘couples’ I know. They’ve been announced to the church as about to marry, the brother and sister sit across each other after church service, with such wide space in-between! Oh, could be the church premise restriction!

Delani, a young married man – is not your regular ‘divine brother’. He’s been there, done that and sees life as one huge party! Married for about four years, with a son and awaiting another, he still calls his wife some intriguing names. I must have heard a lot but these ones stuck- Pepperoni, Sweet Yummie, Babe mi, Omoge, My One Billion, Lovey Dovey. I imagine some people already squinting in irritation; ‘na your own be that’! This guy makes a wonder out of his wife!!! I could forgive a man for being overly dramatic in his display of affection to his beau, but I can’t help but seethe in anger at chaps who are too proud, dull or primitive to adorn their women in the robes of noble admiration. Have you heard pet names like ‘Mummy, Iya yi, Madam, Sister Nneka, or Our wife?

I understand that Christian ladies are belaboured by the inclination of their men to make prophetic declarations into their lives, using Bible quotes. So they earn names like ‘Beulah, Hephzibah, Delightsome, My Crown, Righteous Jewel, Pure Diadem…etc. Yes Lord!!! What can we say to these things?

Have you ever seen a picture of a ‘sister’ and a ‘brother’? Particularly the ones they take in the studio? You haven’t? One glance at the shot and many things jump at you. You see bridled dreams, confused expectations, unspoken desires and many invisible boundary lines. His hand is resting uneasily on her shoulder; he tries to lean a bit forward with a nervous grin, the other hand behind his back and he has secrets in his eyes. And then, you have sister Florence, sitting to the edge of the high stool with a shy smile, waiting for the future!

I don’t have all the answers to making a woman happy, but to make her heart sing, you’ve got to bring some zest to the table. A woman thinks a lot about the guy who makes her laugh hard, she grows fond of he who sings her favourite love song and dedicates it to her. She wants to smell your perfume in her blouse, remember the sound of your heartbeat when you said all will be fine and she’d like to be surprised by new things almost every time.

O yes – let godly ladies choose to build a future with men who love God and understand the covenant. At least, no one wants to be a daughter-in-law to the Devil. But we look forward to a new day without the traumas of men unschooled in the affairs of the heart.
We like it when you love Jesus yet get us rocking!!!

Ladies, do you agree with her? Guys, especially our beloved church brothers, what do you have to say about this? Please share your thoughts in the comments section!


25 thoughts on “Christian Brothers, The Art Of Loving Us by Adebola Deji-Kurunmi.

  1. Well well… Someone finally comes forward with this. As far as I’m concerned ( I’m not exactly the Hephizah, Beulah, Bridal Jewel kinda guy) this is great insight and some overly spiritual brothers need to read this. Don’t be a “swegbe”. I agree with the writer 100%. But there is a sequel to this post though and I’m thinking of it already.

    1. Lol @ “don’t be a swegbe”. While one might be tempted to think that these things don’t happen anymore, truth is, it still does! Btw I’d be very happy to feature that sequel on here as well.

  2. Oh God Oh God!! I’m so glad someone else thinks about these things ! Church Guys really need to Step their game up and “Not be a Swegbe” in Femi’s words.

    Amazing Write-up! Patiently waiting for the sequel to this! Ayomide, stay on Femi for it!

    Loveeee this Blog 💖

  3. Actions speak louder than words. The brothers involved should change! A light touch, a gentle squeeze once in a while won’t hurt nobody.

    There’s a lot to say but the image at the beginning says it all. Just stare at it!

  4. This is good and veeery true…And I feel it comes from a certain misunderstanding by “Christian Brothers” on what it actually means to be a “Christian Brother”…I mean, one of the most romantic and erotic love poems is a book of the Bible- “Song of Songs”, even God himself was even more romantic. There seems to be this conception that ‘eros’ is sinful and is inconsistent with the Divine, this is really a very fatal lie…and truthfully Christianity over the years have had such tendencies to treat eros in that manner. Though it is as a result of the fact that bad people seize ‘eros’ and use it for their evil and lustful machinations, it is high time Christianity rescues “eros” from the hands of “evil men” and bring it home to where it belongs… We know that the Trinity consists in an “eros” between the Father and the Son.

    The current ideology is to claim that the love we show is meant to be an “agape”…that’s Christian love, but the truth is what we tend to practice is not “agape”, but most of the time “indifferent charity”, a former of love that is cut-off from reality…when you are in love with someone it is not inconsistent with that love to hold, to hug, to kiss, to treat her or him like a queen or king, to express that love, albeit within limits of morality and to make him or her happy like the author has said.

    What we fail to see is the underlying unity between “eros” and “agape”, for in that romantic book of the bible, the Hebrew for that romantic love was “ahaba” which in Greek times became “agape”…therefore a love devoid of “eros” does not exactly mirror the love of God, or the love of the trinity, and an “eros” devoid of an “agape” loses its divine transcendence and traps us here below…

    This is why I love Christianity, especially when true Christianity is taught…It’s very real…So I would say to my fellow “Christian Brothers”….GET REAL!!!

  5. Oh my days!!! So funny yet so true. I’d like to think that every Christian lady wants a Christian guy: Spirit filled-tongue speaking-Bible reading-brother; my cousin would say “walking-on-water-talking-to-Jesus”. But considering that a person’s life is one, and that your spiritual life is just one (but really major) part of who you are, then it’s safe to say that this isn’t all a lady is looking for, no matter how spiritual she might seem to you. So please, all you Christian brothers, while you are ‘walking-on-water’ and ‘talking-to-Jesus’, you might want to learn more about the other seemingly insignificant parts that make up a lady. And we’re not asking you to become a ‘Channing Tatum’ or a ‘Michael Ealy’. (The list is endless really). But if you aren’t skilled in the art of women and romance, you might want to add that to your new year resolutions. Just call it ‘making yourself the whole package’.

  6. Yes Femi, I think the brothers should write on their challenges. So we can help eachother. Cause most times, the thought of these “godly ” relationships just makes me laugh.

  7. This is nice, true…. they need to get up and rock even with Jesus.We have got that part of us that wants to see certain sweet & nice gestures ;).
    Although I believe the Christian ladies can help their partners or the brothers by engaging them and encouraging them not be a ‘swegbe’ .
    I await a sequel ☺

  8. Lmao!!! As much as I don’t like to see guys being the victim.. Gotta agree with this.. Lool.. I’m still laughing here… I think what most “Christian” brothers feel is that they have to be like the pastor couples they see on TV. They are somewhat afraid of being themselves and then being perceived as “unholy”.. He he he he he he he he.. Guys let’s not be swegbes oooo.. Abeg!

  9. Well for you all writing on Christian brothers stepping up their game et al, cool. The truth remains that believers are not supposed to live and lead about their lives from their head, people’s opinions of what they think is right. There’s a standard which is God’s word! Take it or leave it… Selah!

    1. Hi there Smart! All believers should live solely by the standard of God ie based on HIS word. I agree 100%. What I don’t agree with is that those standards especially regarding LOVE translate to BLAND and BORING! Wanting to experience fun in love and relationship DOES NOT contradict the word of God or makes you any less a believer. Selah! 🙂

  10. Nice article. I personally don’t even go near ‘christian brothers’ cos I already know what to expect and i’m already not interested. It’s cool to be spirit filled and tongue speaking, but that can’t be all u bring to d table!

  11. Nice write up and sincerely an overflogged issue, its been an age long line of discussion for ladies to perceive Christian brothers as boring, and the “other guys” as fun nd romantic which is ok, and i agree with the author that they should get more romantic and expressive in their love, but ill just like to add a caviet that while you look out for his romantism, watch more for the strength of his character(and its hard to do both at the same time ), cause as a guy i can tell u that we can be romantic , extremely nice, Christian nd all and still be very flawed in character.e.g He Takes you out to dinner/movies calls you beautiful pet names and still won’t introduce you to his parents when its right and when you ask about it, he simply plants a kiss and gets another bouquet of flowers and keep you in that circle. The most important thing i believe is the strength of his character , can he be honest with you? Is he willing to learn? Does he admit his faults and is open to change? Cause trust me anyone can learn to be romantic but character must be built. And whilst you ladies clamour for more romantic guys and been wooed nicely, may i ask how much investment u are willing to make into ur man? If he’s a poor romantic but willing to learn, will you teach him? Or that’s the end? I Just think they should be a slight balance cause romance or spirituality in themselves won’t make a great relationship, strength of character and commitment to each other will, and where the later is present the former will flow easily.

  12. nice comments.
    There is more to it than the article, the article is like a part of a big picture. There are definitely other important aspects. Its safe to say it’s inexhaustible.

  13. Nice one Chris. Thank you for putting it into perspective. I don’t think the absence of romance is a deal breaker. I think that romance is just the icing on the cake. So, even if we want romance, we know that it is not the actual substance (godliness, strength of character, diligence and hard work, etc, etc.) It is not the cake itself. It, however, makes the cake more pleasing to the eye. And while you won’t throw away a delicious red velvet cake because there’s no cream icing on it, the presence of the icing means you will definitely enjoy it more.

  14. This is so true you can be Godly and still make her head nd heart go ‘gaga’ I still don’t understand the problems of christian brothers but it is high time they get REAL and STEP UP there game.A kiss in the fore head will really not hurt, Holding hands and a warm squeeze nd a warm hug nd it will still be Ok. You can balance your romance in a Godly way.

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