Following requests for the transcript of this poem by Jannette…IKZ (actually it’s her wedding vow), I decided to take time out to pen down the words from the video for you guys. It was a
painstakingly long process but I’m glad it’s finished now. So here it is…
Did you know that I’m not her? And I partially agreed to the wait because I didn’t believe you existed in the first place. But in the slight rare possibility that you did, you would definitely not want me. Because I’m not ‘her.’ I choke on soft words like ‘want’ and ‘need’. I hate flowers, red boxes of unpredictable strangely textured chocolate, balloons that take months to die and everything Valentines Day. I’m sorry but to me The Notebook and Pretty Woman were just okay. I am the one that fairies tell you to stay away from, I was never Cinderella, I was the evil stepmother. I was never the princess, I was the fire breathing dragon. I was Ursula, I was The Wicked Witch of the West, yet you still chose to knock on the door of this castle- my heart, unaware that an invisible fortress had been built due to much more experienced pain than a sting.
Unbeknownst to you, there’d be six more doors you’d have to get through before you ever even saw a glimpse of me. I was still wounded. Conditioned to live with a knife lodged in between my third and fourth intercostal margin which collapsed my left lung so I never left due to you being out of my comfort zone and shortness of breath. Besides I was already in a relationship with pain and I hated him but I loved him because pain had been faithful for years. I could rely on a past history that he was sure to come. My first love on Earth cheated on me, visiting me on holidays bearing beautifully wrapped gifts of empty promises tied with bows the colour of wishful thinking and then leaving me. An egg can’t produce without a seed and winter came, then summer, then spring, then fall and I guess mine took the option to leave because although mummy said I was beautiful, and that it wasn’t my fault, it still felt like incarcerated incidence so beauty, to me, was incomplete. Like having only five heartbeats with no reason to stand up, there was no heart in the house tonight, nights like this I wish and I’d pray;
“Our Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name, please allow the clouds to gather and the sky to turn to grey. Lead us not into temptation. Oh how I wish that it would rain so when I look in the sky I can see my reflection.”
I got nervous when you got to door six, but surely when you saw the auction off art on the wall no one else wanted, redescribing each and every one of my wounds, you’d see the ugliness of pain. That I’m not the beauty you thought me to be when you sat in an audience listening to a woman spit a poem about how she would wait. So confidently as I did every morning after taking off poetry and music and talents and great things others think of me because they’re just John’s Legends and can’t see all of me. I stepped outside to bask in the sun. He’s the one that knows me. He loves me. He has the ability to forsee and still loves me. So I stepped outside only to find you sleeping night after night in front of the door of my cold heart, “who led you inside?” I was terrified. No one has ever been this close but all you wanted to do was show me that we shared the same old wounds. There were no butterflies, just extreme discomfort because comfort is uncomfortable to someone more acquainted with pain than love. Fear began to eat at my mind and scared crows pucked up my warm heart long ago but even with the strength of ten men I’ve had no courage. I promise I’m not lying.
But for some strange reason you still felt like heels click three times. I was a relentless unpredictable storm. And I guess those other men were made of straw and hay because I huffed and puffed but the spirit that your brick body house wouldn’t go down. Why couldn’t I admit that your hand placed gently on the back of my neck calms me? Instead I accused you of trying to control me. I hated the way my heart became a defiant teenager and began listening to you instead of me. And even after you kept giving me your ‘I LOVE YOUs’, I couldn’t stop them from replaying in my mind when my spirit, my spirit was a witness to the Christ that I saw in your life. I started getting tired of the fight. I decided to give it a try just to prove to you that you too would leave just like my seed and die before petals, stems and leaves. My trusting heart had been attacked. I didn’t know the difference between accepting abuse and being the peacemaker. I’m left with a pacemaker, nobody wanted me. My rhythm is abnormal.
I lost my footing and I kept asking myself ‘who are you?’ While climbing the attractive mount Everest of your mind, I attempted to hike a little higher to take a peek at your soul. I lost my footing on that trail, dangled off the cliff of your condition of unconditional and that is where I fell in love, skydiving on the wings of your patience. Thank you for catching me. But this love, it’s too much. This love is just way too much because your smouldering volcano erupted upon my arrival. Smothering larva, I mean hot larva chasing me down, burning the pain of my past. Scorching heat on the back of my heels, a fire that screams ‘just let me love you!’ I fell, I am consumed, I am overwhelmed. Did you know that I am crazy? Did you know broken homes and corrupt fathers, fictitious family figments, fractured bones and stained glass windows shattered my windpipe? It’s hard to breathe when anyone gets close. Stand close. And just let me inhale your exhale. Stay close. Even when I punch you with my words, stay close. Even when I cut you with my fears, stay close. Look into my chilling eyes and remember, look at my chilling eyes and remember, look at my bleeding knees and remember, look at my bleeding lips and remember, I fell for you. And it took me thirty three years to let that pain die so that new hope and new life could resurrect.
You caught my tears like wilted worn bible pages, stored them up in bottles and let the collection remind me that as long as I stay close to him, I’d never thirst again. And when God removed the scales from my eyes, I remember looking at you for the first time and finally understood the meaning of the word ’Behold’. I remember the first time I looked into your eyes, it was like staring at the back of the moon only to find that it shines too. You wear patience like a tailored suit. And all I could do was thank God and your mother for raising the man I never believed could exist. You begin to see me transforming by the renewing, I was so comfortable cocooning as you studied the freckles in my face like constellations. How sweet it is to know that I’m with someone who would still find me beautiful with stretch marks? Even when I begin being stretched as I press towards the mark.
We are not Romeo and Juliet. We are just Matthew and Janette. We too are a beautifully written tragedy. We too fought in the beginning like Capulets and Montagues. We too persevered in love’s name. In love’s name, in Jesus’ name, two lovers destined to kill themselves daily for the love of Christ. And although we know the world considers this poison, we will continue to drink truth. Stabbing ourselves with the daggers of his word constantly to convictive. We live to fight another day, we live to die another day in order to live another unending day with our king in eternity. So far from what our adversaries had planned and written for our ending, but he’s nothing but a pretender. Trying to be an author and a finisher, posing as an angry, weak William that Shakespeare but as though many of his weapons would be formed, they’ll never prosper here.
And I know they told you, “Goodluck with her.” Many have tried. Cause not even Charlie could Parker, but your consistent love would make Ella stop having fits and put down her dukes. You have me willing to walk and hop on cold trains even on a holiday. Inspire the desire to not be headstrong but armstrong, you had me in a sentimental mood willing to walk miles to get to you. You became my black coffee and I couldn’t move on. I felt dizzy because I was out of my element like a uncovered monk but you’ve been a good man for more reasons than I could count. May the Lord continue to orchestrate this beautiful lifelong complex cord progression.
I could make a million promises with a long list of what I could vow but we are flawed human beings. And if there’s anyone who could break one before night’s end, it would be me that could show you how. So today I would let my yes be my yes, my no be my no and today my I do my I do. I vow that at times I will fail you. I vow that at times I will fall short but in failures and short comings, I won’t tap out, I won’t give up. I vow to gather arguments like evidence left behind by unsubs, having the humility to say I have this criminal mind and it is CSI for the sake of Law and Order. I vow not to buy into false romanticism saying things like “you complete me” because you don’t. In Christ I have already been made complete, the head over all. So I vow not to attribute glory to you that only belongs to God.
To you and only you today I commit, to you and only you I submit, with an attitude. The attitude of Christ Jesus. Who although existed in the form of God did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped but humbled himself and emptied himself and made himself to the point where he became obedient even to the point of death. Even death on the cross and he would be my constant reflection as death on that cross was the greatest public display of affection. I’ve learned that he loved me enough to give me you, and so I vow to you my last breath.